What do you really want of me? Some people seem to think they need to fulfil certain criteria for their partners, but really the answer is “I want you to just be you – the one I love.”
We don’t need to make decisions about our own lives based on what we think others want. Even if we think we know what they want, we are probably wrong!
Yes, obviously you do make decisions together about things that affect the workings of your life – logistic things – like when to have supper and what you might like to have, how to approach getting DIY tasks done, where to meet after work.
And these things certainly apply to jobs – how to work as a team to meet the objectives.
But they don’t apply to your personal choices about who you are being deep down, what you are interested in, how you behave in the world, what your lessons in life might be, what you want to learn, and do.
No one person should be influencing another to be other than themselves – this is not really love – unless they simply do not understand the implications of what they are doing, and would be willing to try to understand this in order to consider doing things differently. (Note that I said “consider” – if they do not wish to give you the freedom to be yourself even when they do understand the implications then this shows that they do not truly cherish you for who you really are, and may prefer to control you, or try to make you into someone to fit their needs.)
We should not have expectations of others, other than to be themselves, and try to make reasonable efforts to get on with each other and with things that need doing so that you can function as a couple or team. These things merely require the willingness to: communicate, compromise to reach joint decisions about practical things, and to actually get on and do your share. They have nothing whatsoever to do with trying to control or change who a person is.
If you want to try to change another to fit your needs, then you should look at why you think you have such needs. The idea of love is simply to give love and be loved in return. You love just as you are and just as they are, otherwise it is not love in the first place – it is merely some idea that you quite like someone and if you can just mould them to fit your needs they will do – but this can never work, not even if you are desperate!
We also have to understand that people are affected by circumstance, and make allowances for this – they may grow past it or not, but that does not mean we love them any more or less. Hopefully pure love will get you both through, but it is difficult if you don’t communicate. You have to not be afraid of talking – trust that the other will want to listen and at least try to understand. But it is not our job to try to ‘fix’ another, just to be there for each other. So as long as you can communicate enough to share your love, so that you do have some joy in your life together, you should be fine.
Perhaps part of cherishing is also being grateful for what you do have. Try to remember all the good things if you are in any doubt.
We should look at the good things in life in general as well, in order to cherish life itself.
Come visit our CHERISH board on Pinterest at https://www.pinterest.com/woodmanjulia/cherish/