Perfectionism – positives and negatives.

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Perfectionism can have both good and bad tendencies, both for the perfectionist him/herself and for those around them.  It is possible for others to learn from some of the things that might frustrate a perfectionist.  They are usually quite bright people who might have some great ideas about improving things, if you have a common perspective on a situation.

However, they can also be quite obsessive, and may need to be helped to look at things from a different perspective so that they reach a better understanding and let go of their obsession a little bit.  There are things that might be discussed logically to help put things in perspective, but remember that all people do not have the same kind of logic.  A perfectionist’s first principle might be that everything should be done right, but their idea of what is right, and why, may differ a lot from yours, or from the company’s.

If you are a manager, it might be pertinent to discuss priorities alongside logic and logistics, as there are always limits to what can be achieved within any given time, budget, staffing levels, etc.

If you are a perfectionist employee it might be very helpful if you were to ask for such explanations to help you see things in perspective and not become overwhelmed with trying to overdo things.

If a perfectionist strives for perfection in himself/herself – do they –

  • get depressed when they do not meet their own expectations?  
    Consider – Do they really expect to get everything right everywhere in any situation all the time (which is illogical), or are they just trying to do their best according to some inner set of standards or self-defined principles?  Do they perhaps not realise that these may not be applicable to others or for certain situations?  These could be good logical discussion points.

  • expect others to be perfect too?  Do they get annoyed by others and by situations which do not match their expectations?  Surely they must realise that people and situations differ?  Do they realise that others might be equally annoyed by them and their frustrating tendencies?

  • expect situations, such as jobs or relationships, to be perfect too?  Do they try to run from situations where they feel frustrated by not attaining expected standards, without realising that the same dilemma is just as likely to arise in any new job or relationship?

  • understand their goals?  Do they have a tendency to worry about details when there is actually no time to take care of such details, so there is a necessity to focus instead on the main things that really matter? [It might be helpful to make a list (a physical or at least a mental list) of what things do need to be focused on so that those take priority.  I would argue that the whole of life is like this – one might sacrifice housework goals for example in order to have time for studies or art or anything else one deems important, otherwise one might easily use up all one’s time on less important things, and never fulfil one’s higher desires.].  Goals are personal choices, but if you are in a partnership you should aim to at least understand each other’s priorities.

  • even know how to define perfection?  I mean surely the ideal of perfection is actually one of those unattainable absolutes really?  Surely getting things into proportion would help?

Perfectionists might really appreciate being given an understanding of how the business works so that they can see the reasoning behind decision making.  If they understand where a company, or indeed a partner in any type of relationship, is coming from, then they will be much more likely to make positive input in the most useful areas and learn to leave aside the little niggly things that are not deemed as relevant.

In this way they will feel they fit in better, and can be respected more for their contribution, instead of floundering around in a quagmire of miserable misconception.

I suspect that most perfectionists are really very good-intentioned.  I also doubt that any perfectionist really believes they are perfect!  I think that is a total myth, but I suppose I can see how others might think that of them.  I’m surprised that some people think that perfectionists don’t admit to faults – I think they definitely know when they have got something wrong, but they do tend to be quite upset about it until they get it into perspective.  Even they have to admit that mistakes do happen, and that is just part of life, all we can do is learn from it and move on.

I suspect that they are mostly good-hearted people trying to give of their best, but perhaps a bit confused about how best to do that.  If they can be helped to get things in balance, then they will feel better about themselves too.  Instead of illogically beating themselves up for not achieving the impossible, they can settle into a happier rhythm of doing the best they can – according to the circumstances, and become a better team player, or colleague; plus even an easier-to-love friend, partner, parent, etc.

If you are the kind of perfectionist who thinks that people will love you more if you are ‘perfect’, please think again.  You may well be alienating yourself by being obsessive, and you would be better off letting go a little and learning how to become more balanced.  That doesn’t mean you have to follow the crowd to try to fit in either, you can still be yourself, and achieve a lot, just try to get a reasonable perspective on things.  

Be kind to yourself, don’t expect so much of yourself that you drive yourself to exhaustion or become exasperated with yourself, be gentle and take care of yourself.  You will flourish much better if you allow yourself rest periods and healthy meals in-between your work and studies etc.  It always pays to ensure you take care of your physical and emotional health instead of just pushing yourself ever onwards, as in the end you achieve more, and can obtain more satisfaction from the results too. There is also a close correlation between caring about yourself and caring for others, again as long as it is not obsessive, those who care for others really should understand that they need to take care of themselves first in order to do so effectively.  In personal relationships as well as in business, if you care about yourself enough not to let others take advantage or push you around, and also avoid taking on too much yourself, then there is balance there to enable all to thrive in your work and relationships.

 


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What is your personal idea of perfection, in life, in art, in a book,
in a moment, in your mind, 
in your heart?


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perfection is subjective

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nature is never subjective, only our ideas of nature are

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….. sending electronic kisses across the world …..

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On NOT being a guru

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i.m.h.o.

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I don’t believe anyone should set themselves up as some sort of guru – but I do think one should be one’s OWN guru.

You can use higher levels of consciousness to question your own thoughts and actions.  Use your mind, heart, body, and soul in partnership – to be true to one’s self, to learn about our existence and our wonderful planet, and to grow ever wiser – yet always question one’s own wisdom with humility, recognizing that we can never know things for sure – it’s all opinion, perspective, emotional filtering – depending on one’s own past experiences etc.  Yet we can reduce that filtering effect by letting go of past programs to see things more clearly and lovingly, more openly (non-judgementally), and to respond objectively rather than being sucked into a subjective reaction.  There are many tools we can use to help us progress or simply to remind us of what we already know we should be doing.

I don’t think people should shut themselves off from the world either, except perhaps for short periods, if one is going to focus on learning to meditate or to study the wilds by immersing themselves totally in a part of nature for a while.  But sooner or later we must bring back what we have learned and apply it to living in the day-to-day world successfully.  Everything can be integrated into a wholesome, balanced way of living – at peace with both the inner (one’s core self) and the outer (everything around you).

We can be in constant contact with Sublime One-ness in everyday life!

I do not wish to focus on the idea of “helping” or seeking to “help” either.  I merely want to share what I have learnt, experienced, created, etc, so that anyone who may choose to access it may do so.  I do think I have good stuff to offer because I have really spent a lot of time learning and practising things, and can save people time on their own journeys and offer useful tips and guidance along the way; but I share with humility, always remembering that everything I say or write is only “in my humble opinion”, and acknowledging that I am ALWAYS still learning.

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Discussion Times for Couples or Others

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Discussion Times for Couples or Others needing to make an effort to get along

  • Make short pre-arranged times to come together to discuss a few things so that people can prepare for this instead of having things sprung on them.  Obviously ensure this is a good time for all, so that it doesn’t clash with favourite programmes or things that need doing.
  • Prioritise just a few of the most important things needing discussion so that no one feels overloaded.  You could make a few headings for things to come under (much like an agenda), such as Finance, House Management, Relationships.
  • Make it a rule that everyone gets a fair turn, and others listen properly, but no one is allowed to waffle on too long, they must learn to be concise.
  • Also, if anyone becomes too emotionally worked up, it is better to call a short break, walk about, stretch, get drinks etc, before continuing.
  • The main thing about this as that everyone learns to trust each other to try to make this a constructive thing to do, that isn’t stressful, so keeping it short and fair is very important.
  • Bear in mind that not everything has an answer, so don’t expect too much from your partner – sometimes it is okay to accept that there may not be an obvious solution to an issue, although that should not be used as an excuse to not give things due consideration.
  • Also remember, that while you can ask others to consider your needs, you cannot necessarily expect them to fulfil them.  Obviously everyone can try to take things into consideration to a point, but relationships are not there for fulfilling each other’s needs, they are for working together as a team, and loving with freedom to let each other be who they are in themselves, and each person should aim to be self empowered rather than too dependent on each other.
  • Look for small steps rather than expecting everything to happen at once – for example, to arrange to pay small amounts on each bill until there is more income (or prioritise the most important bills), or go to the park if you can’t afford to go out for dinner to spend time together.  Don’t assume your partner will only accept big solutions, don’t be afraid to suggest compromises.
  • Try not to criticise each other – show what you do like by giving compliments and showing appreciation etc, for example “I loved the way you texted me out of the blue today, it made me feel so cared for”, or “Thank you for listening so carefully to my feelings”, and you could always ask them if there is anything they would like to share in return.
  • Always try to leave room for each person to express themselves without interruption, as long as they don’t overdo it.  If things get too much, then ask for a break, or suggest that they speak about it again when they have better collected their thoughts so that they can be more concise and clear, or so that the emotional levels are cooled a little.  Don’t continue if you are becoming distraught, but do promise to speak / listen again when things are more calm, and things can be expressed better.  Writing things down can help take the emotional heat out of it, and also help you clarify which bits are important, so that you can prioritise a few points and present them as clearly and concisely as possible.  This is also a good thing to do if your mind is going over something at night to prevent you from sleeping, or anytime you are upset.  (Sometimes a first draft of what we write would be long and emotional, but a second draft would be much shorter and make more logical sense, so you would never show the first draft to anyone else as it would only confuse things.)
  • Try to leave room after your meeting to relax before going to bed.  It is always better to go to sleep on good terms, rather than stew all night.  It is much harder to regain a warm outlook towards each other if you have left it until the next morning.  So reassure each other after your meeting, that you are done with the discussion for now, and anything else can be set aside until next time, etc.  Maybe there is something you could add to help, like some relaxing music, or even meditation?  Or rubbing each others backs in a warm bath?
  • However, don’t always carry things over to next time, do try to conclude some things at each meeting, otherwise the meetings will become a drag.  Okay, so if you did not find a solution for something at one meeting, and people have agreed to think about it until the next one, then it is okay to have it on the agenda again, to see if any bright ideas or different perspectives have emerged, but don’t dwell on something too much.  Of course some things that need doing in stages or steps will have to come up again, for example revising payment plans, or if you have paid off one bill, then you would want to agree how to redirect the funds no longer needed for that one, etc, but these are generally the more practical things.
  • Even though you leave space to settle down after a meeting before bed, it may not be the best night for sex, but remember that a cuddle does not have to mean sex.  Closeness should be shown in many other ways.  It is better to have warmth and friendship between you than to feel pressure to perform, then when you do want to try sex, it will come more naturally.
  • Massage is a wonderful way to show your caring side and to treat each other (make sure it goes both ways, unless one prefers an alternative reciprocation, but it doesn’t have to necessarily be the same time, so one could be treated one night and the other the next, for example).  It does not have to be a huge thing, just a few caresses or strokes is better than nothing.  A few strokes, or even just a warm hand resting on you, can release a lot of tension from the body.  Don’t forget the head and face, these are areas people don’t often get touched outside of intimate relationships.
  • Respect is vitally important.  Respect for yourself as well as for each other.  So each person is making an effort in the relationship (or team), and in their own lives, and feels they have a right to speak and to be heard – so you do listen to each other as long as they do not treat you disrespectfully.  If anyone has trouble with self esteem, they should perhaps consider getting some help with this.  Our pasts can have a huge influence on our behaviour, especially if we have been treated badly, and we may need help to move beyond certain patterns and to feel more empowered (in a balanced way, that does not try to control others).
  • Meditations and visualisations can be wonderful tools to use individually and as a couple.  They can enhance your sense of deeper self, and all your relationships (family, friends, work, etc.)  I have several of these available on you tube, including an anger management one, and I will be continuing to add more.
  • There are some simple things you can do here – before your meeting you could sit facing each other for a moment, maybe holding hands, and close your eyes.  Breathe deeply and call up your love to help you be calm and gentle at your meeting, so that it can be a successful / positive experience for all.  You could even say something out loud, such as “I promise to try to be calm and loving”, or “I promise to honour and respect you and listen to your points of view, and I ask you to do the same for me.”  Call on each other’s highest (deep) selves to be present.  You could also do a similar thing at the end of the meeting, for example, holding hands in a circle, and saying “Thank you” and sharing your love in the same way, silently for a moment, blessing your relationship.
  • Children can be included in family discussion times from quite an early age, so that they feel empowered to have a say, learn about responsibilities, and share feelings.

Blessing to all, Julia Woodman

www.radiance-solutions.co.uk

Any suggestions to add?  Please feel free to comment.

Power of Logic & Affirmations (for Anger Management etc)

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Power of Logic & Affirmations to Free us from Destructive Emotional Storms & Reclaim Respect & Control.

What is your relationship like with yourself?  Sometimes we let ourselves down, getting sucked into destructive emotional storms, even though we can see this ultimately works against our desired objectives.  Storms spew out far too much at once and thus tend to break everything down.  If we lose control in this way, we lose the respect of others, and might even lose respect for ourselves.

If we can stand back from our emotions and look at them logically, we can then find ways of training our minds to handle them differently.  To start with you can only do this after the event – when you are not in the midst of being caught up in the storm of emotions.  Gradually though, you will learn to do it as you begin to feel the emotions rise, or even in the middle of an event, to calm you down again.

It is much more logical to NOT LOSE or GIVE AWAY the power of positive possibility, by not giving in to negative turmoil, so don’t let yourself be overwhelmed!  If you do, then you are literally just giving away your power to the other people involved, or losing it to the situation itself.

So, let’s consider these affirmations to help us build up positive power and learn to keep it going for ourselves.

Could you please ensure you are sitting comfortably in a position that allows you to breathe deeply and slowly as you listen
Please try not to put up resistance to the affirmations, they are designed to help you get past blocks, and the more you listen to them the more they will help you.
Please try to listen with your eyes closed so that you are relaxed and focused.  They will be read out slowly enough for you to absorb them, like a guided meditation.
If you really feel a resistance to the idea of listening, then please at least read the affirmations through to yourself.  I suggest doing this several times over a period of several days, until you do feel ready to listen to them.  Being relaxed and just listening will help them get through at a deeper level, when you are ready to be open to this.

THE AFFIRMATIONS

I feel confident in myself as a person, to do what I need to do in life.

I do not let what other people think affect this, however I am willing to learn from valid comments, and let go of all the rest as being irrelevant.

I do not waste my power and energy on worrying about what others think, I merely reconsider my own situation honestly, and move on.

I will not become upset by criticism, or take any of it personally.  I am not responsible for other people’s thoughts or needs, only for my own.

I will simply consider if there are any points worth learning from, and let go of anything else.

I do not react in a way that shuts me off from the possibility of learning.

Sometimes I accept that people are going to say things because they believe they should, and I am able to let that go, like water off a ducks back, if I feel it is not valid.

I do not let it anger me, I let it slide off, let it go.

I realize that melodrama can be addictive.  It may seem exciting, but it really gets in the way of things.  I therefore choose not to waste my time & energy on that, instead of progressing.

It is more important to use my time and energy to move forward with situations.

I do not allow myself to succumb to reactions that get in the way of making the best of things.

I simply breathe to let emotions go, and move on with life.

I accept that people have a right to their opinions, but they do not need to affect me, unless I think they have a valid point for me to consider.

I accept that sometimes they may even wish to help me, and I accept that sometimes this may actually be of benefit, so I don’t allow my emotions to cloud my ability to listen.

I do not allow negative emotions to get in the way of my progress.

Any judgement is gently dismissed – as if blown away on the breeze.

I will not put up resistance, I will simply let it go.

I understand that if I try to resist something it only brings negative power to the situation, when it would be better to move on to something more positive.

I do not give away my energy, and precious time, by indulging in these negatives, but turn instead to directing my energy towards the next steps.

I am focused on making something new and better.

As I breathe out, I take my attention to more positive thoughts.

I begin to see more clearly what I could do next to improve the situation, instead of being caught up in churning it over and over.

I notice the good things around me, and in my life, and smile to myself.

I can even see the good things in people more easily, and the positive potential of situations.

I know that if I can let go of irrelevant stuff and relax, I am much more able to do well.

This applies to all my relationships, as well as to situations – partner, children, friends, and even those I have to do business with.

I am also developing a better relationship with myself.

I know that I can get on well with myself and my life if I let go, rather than let myself get wound up by others.

I realize that letting others wind me up only gives them power over me, so I choose instead to keep my power for myself, and direct it to where I want it to be.

I realize that anger, resentment, and bitterness actually sabotages myself.

So I do not allow myself to shoot myself in the foot, because this is obviously illogical.

I focus on my breath instead, and calm and let go in each moment.

I consider things logically later, when I am in a safe place to do so.

I know that I have the power to be COOL, CALM, and COLLECTED and to not allow others, or situations, to affect my own best ways of managing things.

I breathe in the calmness and let it fill my body right up.

I focus on feeling it coming in with each breath.

I feel powerful and in control.

I know I can find my best way forward whatever the situation.

I trust myself to keep steady.

I allow myself to unwind whenever I need to so that I can then get on with moving forwards.

I realise that animosity and stubbornness can get in my way.

I can see that there is nothing to be achieved from arguing over a point.

It is best for me to consider things later and decide for myself how to best move forward.

I do not waste time and energy on arguing because I know it is much more important to focus that energy on moving forward positively.

I keep my eyes on the positive because this allows the negatives to just slip away.

I do not give my energy away, or allow it become scattered.

I draw on it to help me, and those close to me, to succeed and be happy.

I hold my power gently within the centre of my body.

I can use it for myself and those close to me anytime I want to.

I realise that it is better to be humble and considerate, which lets life flow,  than to shout and wrestle, which only puts up resistance to life.

I do not let animosity and stubbornness arise, I simply breathe in to CALM and move on to a more positive focus.

I realize that volatile emotions are usually destructive, and I know that I do not want to destroy relationships or situations, so I breathe out to let any unwanted emotions go.

I want to give things the best chance of working out, so I direct my energy to that, and the positive things I can do.

I always remind myself to let go and calm, so that I can keep focussed.

I breathe to relax so that I can go on as positively as possible.

I CHOOSE the power of logic over the power of destruction.

I choose not to waste my energy on anger, bitterness, and fear of results, but to focus my energy on getting the good things done instead.

I choose not to waste my energy on worry either, as I realize that it is all hypothetical, so I use all the energy to ensure getting the best results.

I focus now and every day on moving things forward positively.

I know that I can do this.  I trust myself to do this.

I breathe in the calmness anytime I need it, and I let go of all the negatives, so that I can be the best I can be.

I do not put undue pressure on myself though, I relax wonderfully into being my best self.

I feel power gathering in me when I breathe, filling me up and helping me to progress steadily.

I feel power, like oxygen, in every cell of my body, and smile, or nod.

The smile, or nod, switches on a light in the centre of my body, and in my head.

I feel the light filling me up too, as it flows around my head, and around my body, in my blood.

I feel that I am growing as I become more filled with light and gentle power.

I feel the strength of my self-belief expand in a calm and sure way.

Now I am easily able to let go of stuff I don’t need – anytime I want to.

I trust myself to be calm yet powerful.

Calm, DIGNIFIED power fills me, and lifts me, now, and anytime I need it.

I now understand how to conserve my personal power, as well as how to build it up.

I am now ready to begin to live in each new moment with more  and more of this steady power available and able to help me.

I know that I am now able to take more and more control of my future.

I will use these affirmations regularly, because each time I do so, I will take them on at a deeper level, and become more and more able to use them consistently, and even automatically.

I feel confident in myself as a person, to do what I need to do.

By facing up to things instead of obscuring them with emotional storms, I earn more and more respect.

I know now that quiet assertion is a much better way to say what I need to say, than to get sucked into melodrama.

I am now able to focus on the important points, and communicate effectively & efficiently, instead of wasting time and energy going in circles and dragging in unnecessary stuff.

I now command & deserve respect from others, and I also have more respect for myself/

I am steady and focused as I now go about my life.

Now open your eyes and stretch or move around to ensure you are fully awake.
Have a drink of water maybe.
Discuss your impressions if you wish, or simply hold them inside you for your own reference.

Take the power with you at whatever level you are ready to choose, and return to the affirmations anytime you wish to remind yourself about them, or to take them on at deeper levels.

Note if your impressions & responses change each time you do them.

There are many more self-help tools available via our website www.radiance-solutions.co.uk

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Natural Health Boosters

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Some great HEALTH BOOSTING SUPPLEMENTS I think it’s really worth considering.

So check out these products (one and two) and (three) and testimonials, they can really help with so many things!

There are also some general health tips here, which correct some important misinformation too.

You could even join as a distributor like I did, because the products are so impressive and the people so genuine in wanting to help us with our health.

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